An Open Letter to the Bastard Who Stole My VCR

writes: To: The bastard who stole my VCR

It was my VCR, you knew it! But you took it anyway! You bastard! You knew it was mine, but you did it anyway! Your VCR was broken, so you just took mine. You could get your own VCR ya know. Or steal one from someone else. but you NOOOOO! You had to steal mine instead.

Whats wrong with you? What if someone stole your VCR? What would you do without your pornographic videos? Huh? Didnt think of that did you? Someone, somewhere, watching x-files reruns on YOUR VCR while you sob pornlessly in the dark! You make me sick!

Its an evil addiction! You had to steal to get your next fix, you’re no better than a crack addict stealing to get his next rock! You’re just a porn addicted 34 year old bum welfare ghetto white trash honkey bastard.

Fuck you guy who stole my VCR. This is the weirdest thing ever submitted to cvillenews.com, so I figured I’d run with it. It pretty much continues along this vein.

18 Responses to “An Open Letter to the Bastard Who Stole My VCR”


  • Come on, Waldo. I must say, since the site has returned from being down, it hasn’t had many topics for discussion. Why would you even put this one on here? This type of nonsense is giving me a vision as to what the Free Speech Chalkboard will be all about.

  • Why would you even put this one on here?

    Because this place gets too serious. :) We need a touch of the bizarre more often, lest we take ourselves too seriously.

  • How does one respond to this? “Quit complaining you crybaby? You’re not the only person who has ever been robbed? This clears the way for you to go out and buy a DVD player?” Geez.

  • This clears the way for you to go out and buy a DVD player?

    Like that. :)

  • It was your VCR, but that didn’t stop me. You left your door ajar when you ducked out to pick up a six pack of Milwaukee’s Best. I couldn’t resist. You’ve been living on the other side of this duplex for a few months now and frankly, the noises have started to get to me.

    You know what noises. The slapping and grunting of she-male porn in all its surround sound glory. The day you moved in, I told you that the walls were paper-thin. That should have been your hint that I really did not want to hear your moans of onanastic pleasure and general voicing of approval of the events on your television screen.

    Don’t get me started on your little parties. Having your ‘pal’ park his SUV in my space every Friday was bad enough without his unique, bellowing additions to the usual pornographic cacophony.

    Myself, I’ve got a DVD player. I’m not even using your VCR (as if I’d want to touch that thing). In fact, you can have it back if you want. I jammed it under the back tire of your friend’s Ford Explorer last night. Have fun scraping it off the driveway.

  • As a note of clarification- I do not approve of this story being posted as news or even satire. I really don’t know what Waldo was thinking with this one, except to note that his air conditioning is not working and the heat may be affecting his tender consitution.

    But once it was posted I figured that I might as well play ball.

  • Waldo’s constitution is tender?

  • Oh yes, terribly so. You know these primadonnas…

    Fetch him a glass of mineral water at once!

  • Bravo! Nice to see something thoroughly weird and random here for once. It was getting a bit stuffy for my tastes.

  • Now that’s why I posted this story. :)

    Hey, the repair guy just fixed my AC about 3 minutes ago. It’s…it’s cooling down in my apartment. I’m feeling much better. I…I…I think this is a stupid story.

  • Will writes: “Bravo! Nice to see something thoroughly weird and random here for once. It was getting a bit stuffy for my tastes.

    Yes, please bring on more inane lunacy in the form of vanity posts. It’s certainly no less interesting than the inane lunacy of discussing “real” news stories, like the breaking WINA headline of the soy soapstock “sabotage” on Route 666 (the number of the beast!!).

    [Investigator’s tip: look for well-heeled residents with living quarters closest to the dusty road; the contractor didn’t spray without someone there to pay him. And isn’t this our own ex-local George Allen’s old neck-of-the-woods?]

  • what the hell are you talking about?

  • But it wasn’t really bizarre. Just poorly written and of little consequence. Plus the naughty language, don’t you know.

    If you are looking to provide for comic relief among Cvillenews’ offerings, I suggest the introduction of either a chimpanzee or a trained seal. With an overturned truckload of bananas and a healthy measure of bad puns PLUS a recurring gag involving a yo-yo.

  • Someone really did steal my VCR. He stole some other things of minor value too. I thought this would be a good way to get it out of my system. Keep in mind that I’m stark raving mad. You have to expect a certain degree of frivolity. I appologize if this ruffled the feathers of anyone’s uptight prudish attitude.

  • I agree, more lunacy! More lunacy!

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  • Its not any more stupid than the rest of them, but the comments are clearly of a higher caliber.

  • I would like to take this venue and opportunity to thank the person who went out of their way to put a giant door ding in my $75,000 car.

  • Update, the fate of my VCR has been determined.

    Hawes Spencer, Editor of The Hook, threw it off the balcony of the Jefferson Theater. It fell ~100 feet and smashed to bits on the concrete below.

    Just in case anyone was wondering.

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