Category Archives: Satire

Orange County Goes Tech

This is in the satire category because it’s almost unreal. Orange County supervisors have just spent $15,000 to get themselves outfitted with laptops. They come with, according to the Progress, “dial-up modems and a CD-ROM.” They hope that the laptops will streamline things. Currently they have to be physically given packets of paper prior to each meeting. Now, in a huge leap for efficiency, they’ll be physically given floppy disks. Says the board chairman Roderic Slayton, “Initially there’s some expense, but I think that in the long haul it’s going to save the county money.” The article goes on to say that Supervisor Sonny Dodson has been using his new $1,800 laptop to play solitaire, while Supervisor Grover Wilson became quite frustated with his. Albemarle County spokeswoman Lee Catlin, quick to play catch-up, says that Albemarle is looking to move to an electronic medium, too. One hopes they’ll avoid the teletype.

Not Ready for Sperry Commitment

What with the debate over the Sperry property, cvillenews.com regular Jackson Landers has written a timely piece on the topic. This is the very first article in our new satire section (note the icon), a category to which Jack is likely to be providing a good bit of material. Read on.

Dear Big Development Company,

I’ve really appreciated and enjoyed the time that we’ve spent together. You’ve made me feel special in a way that no out of town developer has since Lee Danielson blew into town.

I know that you’re looking for a real commitment. You’re not going to be happy until you know that you can move right into that old Sperry Marine property. To spread your wings and build a multiplex theater, a hotel and some day even have a cluster of big box stores that we can call our own. I want those things too, but I’m just not ready.

When Sperry Marine left town, it left a big hole in my life. My head may be downtown, but my heart will always be on route 29, right across from the Post Office and kind of near Chi-Chi’s and Marshalls. That traffic light has been green for no one for a long time now. But I’m just not ready to move into a new relationship.

I don’t know if it’s just fear of commitment, fear of getting hurt again. You know how it is. You go through all the months of zoning and bulldozing and permits. Then the next thing you know, that special someone runs off and ‘merges’ with some high-tech corporate bimbo and it’s over.

So I’m sorry, Big Development. I’m just not ready to commit to this. I’ve been hurt too many times. All I can tell you is to remember that there are other fish in the sea. Try Northern Virginia.

Sincerely,
Charlottesville City Council